When your boundaries are being violated.

boundaries

One of the most pernicious things our narcissists do is violate our boundaries. This can take a number of forms, ranging from physical violations (such as rummaging through your things or physically attacking you) to more subtle mental or emotional violations.

So I’ve devised a checklist of some of the ways narcissists violate our boundaries. They do this to give us less power or make us feel diminished. Don’t allow it. If you see any of these behaviors from your narcissist, if you can’t cut contact with them, be very firm and tell them you will not tolerate it. Do not back down or make excuses. You have every right to protect your boundaries. Your reasons why are really none of their business.

Physical boundary violations:

1. Physical abuse — hitting, pushing, punching, getting “in your face,” cornering you.

2. Forcing you to have sex when you do not want to.

3. Rummaging or going through your personal possessions.

4. Stealing from you. A lock box (these can be cheaply purchased form stores like Walmart) is a good idea. Get one with a combination, not a key.

5. Touching you or sitting/standing too close during conversation, when this is not desired by you.

6. Some somatic narcissists can violate your boundaries by dressing immodestly in front of you. If you object to your narcissist sitting around in his threadbare boxers (or nothing at all), tell him it makes you uncomfortable and that you won’t tolerate it.

7. Making a lot of noise, talking loud, playing loud music, slamming things around to get your attention (my ex was infamous for all these things, especially the loud music).

8. Excessive use of language you disapprove of.

9. Staring at you in a predatory way.

10. Making unreasonable demands (spending money on them, doing favors, running errands for them that go beyond what’s reasonable).

internal_boundaries
Click to make larger.

Emotional/Mental boundary violations:

1. Telling you how you feel or accusing you of feeling or thinking something you do not. Taking your inventory.

2. Gaslighting and triangulating against you.

3. Telling you you have no right to feel the way you do, that it’s wrong, stupid, etc.

4. Insults and namecalling.

5. Grilling you about your activities when you are not with them.

6. Spying on you; stalking you online.

7. Not allowing or making it difficult for you to see your friends, family members, etc.

8. Telling you how you should dress, look, etc.

9. Dismissing or putting down your accomplishments or interests

10. Telling you what you feel is crazy, that you are being over-sensitive, etc. (really a form of gaslighting).

11. Interrupting you or not allowing you to speak.

12. Doing other things while you are trying to talk to them, or continually changing the subject.

13. Lying to you.

14. Trying to make you do something illegal or that goes against your morals.

If your narc does any of these things, be firm and tell them you will NOT tolerate these behaviors. Do not be nice about it. Narcissists can only be handled with tough love, if you can’t disconnect. Do not back down no matter how much they object.

They will react with rage, of course–at first. Without narcissistic supply from you, they will eventually stop being mad and either sulk or leave.

Obviously, leaving or going No Contact is the best thing you can do for yourself, but in some situations this isn’t always possible, especially if there are children involved.

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16 thoughts on “When your boundaries are being violated.

  1. It’s funny how boundaries works. I had to grow up and out of the house to find out. I used to get into other’s personal spaces too not knowing any better. Ewww, I hate my mother.

    Liked by 2 people

    • I think we all do it, but a normal person will know when to stop, or stop if they are told by someone else. A narc doesn’t know when to stop or won’t stop. I don’t hate my mother but I pity her. I used to hate her guts though.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I’ve never heard of Narcissistic Personality Disorder before, but having read this post (followed by a quick Google search and some reading on the Mayo Clinic site) I can definitely say I’ve seen it up close. I finally had to cut ties with almost all of my family because I didn’t want to be like them, and they won’t allow anyone to live differently.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Even if you never heard of the disorder, you still were able to recognize it in your family members. You’ve come to the right place, and there are plenty of other blogs by other survivors of narcissistic abuse (and the abuse isn’t always or even usually physical) , you can check my “Info and Support” tab for other resources and blogs, as well as books by experts on the disorder. I’m glad you found my blog. I hope you stick around!

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I’d add financial boundaries. How many victims end up in debt or financial chaos because of narcs? Be it they constantly need to borrow small amounts, get you to buy things promising they’ll pay you back. All the bills are somehow in your name. If you are trying to save money or pay off debt they will undermine your efforts and convince you to spend the money instead (often on something that benefits them). Narcs hate other people having boundaries because they are representative of the word “no”.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. The picture REALLY got to me – as I’ve had a *lot* of doctors behave as per that pair of lists around me (whether they knew I was autistic or not, by the way – that sense of ‘not being good enough’ and ‘their will is more important than my survival’ goes back to early childhood; I really picked up on ‘being an object which needed to be made Normal’ in those early years of ‘enforced surgical correction’ I endured.)

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