Narcissistic injury.

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incrediblehulk

I am keeping my promise to remain 100% honest about everything on this blog. It’s my journal, and I’m going to continue to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help me God. If that bothers people, they need to get over it or go read someone else’s blog. This is my blog and my life, and I will censor nothing that goes on in my mind.

Last night I insulted Sam Vaknin. My insulting him was unintentional and probably clueless, but he was angry enough about it to block me on social media and tell me to fuck off. Those were his exact words. Fuck off.

It wasn’t even me that insulted him. Well, not directly anyway. One of my commenters who frequents this blog made a sort of joke, seemingly at Sam’s expense (or at least I took it as a joke, which is why I approved the remark). I wasn’t actually sure if the jab was directed at me or at Sam. See, I’ve spent my whole life being paranoid and not knowing how to take jokes or how to respond to them (being Avoidant and socially awkward has a lot to do with this, plus having been bullied as a child has made me wary of snark and jokes made at my expense).

This joke was no exception. I was unsure about how I should react to it. I spent a long time trying to decide how to respond or if I should respond. I considered not approving the comment. Sometimes it’s just hard to know what is the best course of action when it comes to things like that.

I thought it over and over in my usual obsessive way, and when I weighed things out, it seemed the best course of action would be to go ahead and approve the comment, “like” it, and respond to it with a “LOL.” I want to be seen as someone lighthearted, a person who can take a joke (because I wasn’t sure if the comment was actually directed at me). I value this member’s opinions and her friendship. She also has an amazing blog. So I reasoned that her remark, no matter who it was directed to, must be all in good fun and a simple “LOL” would be harmless and would hurt no one.

Apparently not. I had no idea Sam would react so badly to my joining in with another commenter in “making fun of him” and failing to defend him from what he felt was “abuse.” Apparently that’s what he expected of me? I can’t say about the other commenter’s feelings, but my intention wasn’t to make fun of him at all, just try to act lighthearted and hope no one would be hurt or insulted.

But you can’t please everyone. If you go out of your way to please one person you are bound to upset someone else. Running a blog sometimes can be difficult. You are required to respond to comments in a way that engages conversation but doesn’t run people off or anger them. Sometimes you have to call them out on bad behavior or issue warnings. And you are going to insult people sometimes. People are going to disagree with you. It can’t be helped.

But when you’re dealing with a narcissist, even an educated and insightful one like Sam, you have to walk on eggshells. I refuse to walk on eggshells for anyone. I’ve had enough of that crap from all my IRL narcs. I still feel guilty about insulting him by proxy though, because I just hate making anyone feel bad.

I want to apologize to Sam, but I know I shouldn’t so I won’t. Because I didn’t really do anything wrong. At worst I made an unwise decision about someone else’s comment, but any normal person would be over it by now. To any normal person it might have even been funny.

I hate making people angry. Probably because I grew up in a household filled with seething anger, open hostility and constant discord. Anger scares someone like me. Of course it’s not realistic to expect a narcissist to not be easily upset and angered. They are incredibly hypersensitive about themselves. They hate being insulted or made fun of more than anything in the world. Still, it never occurred to me something I didn’t think was a big deal would set him off and make him think I was his enemy (I’m not).

Narcissists have no sense of humor (my mother was a perfect example of a narcissist with zero tolerance for any jokes or criticism at her expense, no matter how mild they were). Narcissists cannot laugh at themselves. I have never known one narc who can. What made me think Sam was any exception?

I admit Sam’s blocking me and telling me to fuck off really bothers me, because I was enjoying his input here and he was being so nice to me. It was a shock to find his angry epithet toward me today. It was a Jekyll and Hyde moment. I was gobsmacked.

I have a phobia about making people angry because during my childhood, it seemed all I ever did was make my narcissistic mother angry, and in my marriage to a malignant narc, if I breathed the wrong way it set him off into a narcissistic rage. Like Barack Obama, I try too hard to please everyone, and wind up pleasing no one. In this case, my decision to approve the commenter’s remark and reply with an “LOL” was a bad call, I guess.

But with a narcissist, sooner or later they will show their true colors anyway, so it probably was just a matter of time before it happened.

I’m not sure what the best action to take is now. It’s probably wisest to just ignore him and no longer feed his narcissistic supply by posting any more articles about him, at least until this blows over (if it ever does–I don’t know if Sam holds grudges but most narcs do).

I don’t think I really need Sam anymore for this blog to be a success. I appreciate and am forever grateful for the jump start he gave me in gaining more visibility, but I can continue the momentum on my own now without his help. I still respect Sam’s brilliant mind and his writings, but today he showed me his true colors as the malignant narcissist he actually is. It was a wake up call. I had my doubts before about the malignancy of his narcissism (maybe because I didn’t want to believe it); now I have no doubts whatsoever.

45 thoughts on “Narcissistic injury.”

  1. “….it didn’t take too long for me to realize my obsession was turning into infatuation…”

    One of the major problems with narcissism is that they really know how to play female attraction. They are extremely good at it. You will be like a moth attracted to a flame.

    I’m sorry he’s being a jerk. That is the nature of the beast. Don’t you dare blame yourself 😉

    Liked by 4 people

  2. Reblogged this on galesmind and commented:
    I hope my comment didn’t cause this. I am sorry but I find him being so over the top humorous. I find humor in a lot of things. If it was my mild little poke about it being all about him that caused this rift I will apologize but not sure what for. If someone is as public as he is about being a narcissist he should be man enough to take a humorous comment as jus that. I am sorry you were hurt but did you really expect anything else? I think you are a brilliant writer perhaps you were just too good and got to close to home. Who knows as he won’t talk to you which is ridiculous. You do not need Sam to be a successful blog. You are that already. Who knows if your numbers blew up because of him any way?? My went nuts today no clue why but I do work hard on my blog as you do. Please find satisfaction in that. Also if it was me with my foot in my mouth let me know how I can make it better. Keep your head up high my friend and he indeed should be the one to “fuck off”.

    Liked by 1 person

    • It was your comment. Sorry. I didn’t think it was offensive, but evidently he did. But he wasn’t mad at you as much as he was at me, for “siding” with you by saying LOL which he thought meant I was making fun of him and not defending him from your “insult.” What was I supposed to do? What did he expect from me?

      Please do not think you are the cause of any rift. He was not a personal friend, just a writer about narcissism who was sharing a lot of my stuff on social media, which I still do appreciate (and who knows, maybe he still will but I doubt it). So there is no rift there.

      I agree I don’t need him for this blog to be successful. I’m glad you got a spike in your stats too, congratulations!

      I know Sam will read this and probably be enraged at my calling him out, but that’s what this blog is here for: calling out narcissists on their bad behavior. I’m not going to make an exception for him.

      That doesn’t mean I won’t accept a comment from a narcissist who can act civil and speak honestly, like that one poor soul who said he/she was a narcissist and wanted to get help. I wonder what ever happened to that person. They never posted here again. I hope they got some help. This isn’t a narc-free blog, but being as such, I might have to deal with some abuse from time to time. It’s easy enough to not approve comments I don’t like.

      Liked by 2 people

      • I am sorry but I really thought he had it together enough to see how humorous he is. If you have his email you can pm it to me on FB and I will send him a note. Honestly. I meant no offense he was so honest I thought he would recognize himself. Had no idea how really full of himself he was. I read his book because of you. It isn’t half bad and I appreciated the honesty of it. Guess I won’t be recommending it though.

        Liked by 1 person

        • I appreciate your kind offer, but I don’t think it’s necessary. His book is good (I still haven’t finished it but am getting there) and he does admit he’s a terrible narcissist. He’s never been anything but honest about that. I still feel bad about hurting his feelings, but I think he overreacted and his reaction was immature too. I know he will be reading this and anything he wants to know is being said here. I don’t even care if he sees my admission about my crush. I’m sure many women have felt the same way. He does have that dangerous sort of charisma about him. I hope he can somehow, someday, recover from NPD but I doubt it.

          Liked by 1 person

    • I found this blog because of you Gale, thanks! @luckyotter I’m glad I found your blog, I love learning about different mental illnesses and personality disorders and especially how effects the people that live with them or associate with them. Following:)

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  4. hahahahaha i am sorry that you got hurt too, but you really are too good for him. You are wonderful and kind, and yes you speak the truth. I know a few who think they are humorous, but well, they talk crap too sugar. Love you and keep this up.

    Liked by 2 people

  8. I think a lot of people are hyper sensitive and see people in two camps of: “either you’re for me or against me.” It takes empathy to move past that and I believe that is hard for anybody, not just narcissists. The only thing appropriate response would be to show that you meant no harm (which you achieved in this post). Obviously you need to be especially careful when engaging a narcissist due to your history. It makes total sense that you would be infatuated with him. He’s intelligent and fascinating. I’m sure he enjoyed the attention you brought to him (who would’t?) and your simple “LOL” threatened all that. Any person with an ounce of empathy would reach out to express their hurt in a way to bridge the gap, if possible. Especially if they knew you were an Aspie who has trouble picking up on social cues.

    Liked by 3 people

    • Thank you so much for this. You pretty much nailed what’s going on here and no, of course I meant no harm. I even hesitated about posting that “LOL” but did it anyway. Surely he wouldn’t be offended by that, but he was. I’m glad he enjoyed my posts as long as he did, and he probably still does even if he never “speaks” to me again, which is okay.

      I agree if he was a person with any empathy he would have either laughed it off and forgotten it, or just said he didn’t appreciate that comment but not block me and say what he did to me. Narcissists have no tolerance for human foibles, not even their own, which they project onto others.

      I am well aware I’m not the first or the last person in the world who found their fascination with him (because he is fascinating) turning into infatuation. I realized it about 2 weeks ago and was like, “oh shit.” The fact he was paying so much attention to me (well, not me so much as my posts) fed that, I guess. Not that I ever wanted it to be anything more than a pleasant diversion in my own mind. I’m going to let that thing go now and move on, since I know he’s not really that nice a person, which of course I knew anyway because he keeps saying he isn’t. At least I have no more doubts that he’s on the higher end of the narcissist spectrum, not the lower one (as I had hoped?)
      I still enjoy his writings.

      Liked by 1 person

  9. I wonder if he’s reading all this and if so if he’s getting all kinds of narcissistic supply even if it’s negative supply. Most narcissists would rather have negative attention than be ignored. I wonder if that applies to him too.

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  11. I feel a little disconnected from my body at this moment after reading this. It’s like this protective instinct. I hope this does not insult Sam Vaknin too. Sam Vaknin comes on ACON blogs and he expects what?
    I’m so sorry you lost his support, but I’m afraid that it came at a price. Telling you to fuck off was so inappropriate I can’t even tell you. I don’t know what the situation was or what caused his grief, but no matter what, NO MATTER WHAT, he has no cause to tell you to fuck off. So there is no need for you to be blamed. Not at all.

    Liked by 2 people

    • I agree, Joan. There was no reason for him to react that way. But keeping it in perspective, he is a narcissist on the higher end of the spectrum so that kind of rage over such a little thing is to be expected. I have no idea what he expected of me. I’m not going to stop having a little fun with my online friends because it might upset him. I mean, I’m sorry he’s upset and I still feel a little guilty, but really, what FOR? He was going to find something to be upset about, sooner or later.
      I appreciate his support and everything, but it’s time to move on.

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    • My N brother in law has called me out twice on my “behaviour”. A normal adult would let it go but not him. I said something to “upset” him, and I can’t remember what it was it is so embarrassing. It was something too silly, and he crossed the line of boundary.
      We are not responsible for others feelings. I wrote that down somewhere.

      I know you want N’s on your site. Your reasons are none of my business. I understand and support that. But they are so hurtful at times. I just know the “insult” couldn’t have been that bad to warrant this.

      I don’t mind talking to N’s. I thought Sam could give us some very valuable input into helping as he was smart and educated. As I have an MN daughter, and there is next to no info online to help me. I’m crying over this.

      Liked by 1 person

      • I’m sorry this upset you enough to make you cry. 😦

        But I’m not crying over this. It is what it is, and I have not lost my respect for his writings or his mind. I would like to see him post here again but he probably won’t if he thinks someone might insult him.
        I’m not going to lose any sleep over it though. I;m actually glad, because now I know he’s every bit the narcissist he insists he is. It’s not like he hasn’t warned us all.

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      • Joan, I don’t “want” N’s on my site. I don’t think most would feel that welcome here anyway. I allow N’s on the site though, because if they’re not trolling or being abusive, I think they have things to teach us about the way they think. I can’t diagnose anyone anyway–so if someone says they’re a narcissist, I have to believe them. If they say they are a victim, they could be a “wolf in sheep’s clothing” too. You just never know.
        I’m just not going to put a comment by a narcissist in the Trash if their post is civil, informative, or asking for help. If they become abusive, however, I will. There’s really no way to tell the N’s from the non-N’s anyway, we have to take them on their word. I’m not waving a sign or anything saying, “NARCISSISTS ARE WELCOME HERE!” This isn’t a site for them, it’s a site for us, but I will allow them to comment.

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        • I meant allowed. Sorry, there might be a language barrier I might have, I make some english words the same if they are close or similar.

          I don’t mind narcs to teach us either. Like I have with my daughter I am trying to learn and I think they might be the very ones to teach us. My daughter told me last night that she is a pathological liar, and we talked about it and I thought that Sam could be insightful. I would have got her Sam’s books and she could learn from one of her own. If he could help his people. I hope that makes sense.

          If I could get to know something about narcs too it would be helpful. Sam seemed to reach out in a way that was kind. Maybe his initial intent was good but his narcissism won out. He did try though.

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          • I posted on the other thread too that I thought your daughter could probably relate better to his books than one written by a psychologist or MD or someone without NPD. In spite of what many people think, I don’t think Sam has ulterior motives for doing what he does and wrting about what he does, at least not ulterior motives that are bad. He did admit he writes books about NPD mainly for the self-glorification and being thought of as a guru because he has it, so maybe that’s his primary reason. But the side benefit of that is he’s helped a lot of people — ironic, being that he has it himself, but it makes sense in a way–who would know about what narcissism FEELS like better than an insightful narcissist . And I don’t think he minds the fact he’s helped people, in fact I think he likes the idea of that. It makes him feel important anyway. So I don’t think letting your daughter read his books is a bad idea at all, if she doesn’t mind extremely long books with a lot of big words.

            I think he tried too. He knows he’s destructive and from many things he’s written it seems like he hates being that way, but his NPD is too strong to resist for long. It’s like a drug addiction. I think he even said that somewhere. It must be the most awful mental condition to live with. God almighty.

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      • I feel so badly about you having an MN daughter. I actually don’t think mine is MN but possibly BPD. That’s no picnic either, and she’s emotionally unstable. As for your daughter, you may just have to accept that’s the way it’s going to be for her, and pray for guidance for yourself and ask God to help her too. That’s really all you can do.

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