Reblog: “Why is my Life so Rotten?”

depression

My friend and fellow narc-abuse blogger, Fivehundredpoundpeep over at Blogspot, wrote this heartbreaking post today.

She’s far from alone. I think all of us ACONS have felt this way, some of us for our entire lives. I know I have until very recently, and I still feel this way more often than I let on. It’s gotten better, much better lately, but I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. Surely this feeling of well being is TEMPORARY and before I know it the rug will be ripped out from under me. Of course thinking that is as unrealistic as thinking I’ll be singing and dancing and grinning like a fool for the rest of my life (even if I was raised in a normal home, that kind of upbeat perkiness just ain’t in my nature as both an Aspie and someone probably biologically prone to bottomless depressions–the narcs just exacerbated what was probably natural to me anyway). But I just don’t trust anything good. Is that because I feel like I don’t deserve anything good, because my abusers said I didn’t? Can’t I just enjoy these strange new feelings without QUESTIONING them all the time, or wondering if God is playing some cruel joke on me?

So here is her post. If anyone who comes to this blog has any suggestions for her, please post them in the comments or over on her blog at Blogger. http://fivehundredpoundpeeps.blogspot.com/2015/01/why-is-my-life-so-rotten.html#comment-form

Why is my Life so Rotten?

Dear God, Tell Me Why It Went So Bad.
Sometimes even a Christian wonders why so much is going wrong. I don’t buy into the Christianity that tells me if I have enough faith the piles of money will show up like Joel Osteen but sometimes I am serious wondering why the suffering quotient is going up so high. My husband bless his soul too, has been shaking his head regarding our collective misery. I have to pray about what is becoming of me and seek the spiritual answers too.

Sick And More Sick With No End
Why was I on antibiotics for three weeks, [swollen saliva glands] and then got a leg infection this week? That scares me. Maybe the doctor’s aren’t calling me back because they are stumped too. All Aspies hate making phone calls, I can cry from the stress of trying to get something I need from neurotypicals. How pushy should I be? Should I yell at them yet? Will I offend them and ruin the medical relationship? Did I say the wrong thing? I may tell my doctor who knows I am an Aspie, that I can’t take it anymore and want extensive refills on my antibiotics.

If anything the antibiotics should have prevented a leg infection. I did not have any leg infections for a year and a half. I felt free and like I had hope, only now to realize that has now passed like a fart in the wind. I did my Flexitouch every day, except 1 day when I had the flu for 7 months. I wrapped without fail. Why am I being punished for something I did not do? I worked hard to keep my legs from being infected. I don’t want to go back to the leg infections slamming me, and being afraid everyday. When they hit it is like the worse flu on earth and 4 days ago, I got a revisit to flu land with a high fever and pain. Will they even believe me? Or will they think I was not compliant when I was to the max?

Typhoid Mary ruined what little good in my life there was. I am sure by now she is on another tens of thousands of dollar cruise, enjoying her life. She would cry if she had my life and was forced to give up recreational shopping and traveling. I am sure as I almost puked my guts out this morning from stomach acid run amuck and handed two-thirds of my income over to keep a roof over my head–my husband pays the other bills and put the check in the manager’s slot yesterday, that Mommy Dearest is busy shopping from her second home in a warm state and going out to eat and enjoying her life. Fun for them, and constant misery for me. Why?

Why did I win the CRAPPY LIFE AWARD? The only people suffering more then me are in prison or the street. I even watched Intervention the other day thinking, look at those thin bodies, and their families still love THEM with a feeling of jealousy. I know people aren’t supposed to feel sorry for themselves. I have to smile and act with it, so I don’t scare people away in the regular world and since this is my blog why not be honest. I know nice people around here who have helped me, and don’t want to stress them out more. How did my life become such a mess? Every one I know who hit my age, got at least one break. Where’s mine?

I’m supposed to start a new lung medication today but afraid wondering what else will go wrong?

Nothing but Endless Disappointment
I have gotten to a place where I expect disappointment. That is not good. I have prayed to God incessantly about what to do about my rotten life and have hit a brick wall. I am sad and upset about many many things.

Self-help and endless advice books do not provide the cash or decent body I need to be happy. Every time I relax and get happy inspite of these things and it has happened on occasion, it’s like the rug is pulled out from underneath my feet. There is a void in too many places I can’t seem to fill. There are things I want to do that keep getting thwarted. My life is one where I am too tired to do everything and crying in frustration about all my undone tasks and people I have failed. The literal physical exhaustion is wearing me down, and I fear a totally bed-ridden life awaiting.

I don’t want to be Aunt Scapegoat with her head hung down, and the black cloud growing and sitting alone one day staring at a wall totally broken. I am scared. I do not want to be her. I fear spiritual destruction at the hands of my Job-like existence.

What happens to someone who is an outcast mentally whose body is an enemy from hell? Now I understand why people do drugs and drink themselves into oblivion. I don’t recommend this of course but this world sometimes has so much sadness on the menu.

For seasoned ACONS who I know read my blog, please tell me if this can be the stresses of no contact. A lot of people disappointed me within the FOO beyond measure. Why can’t my brain stop ruminating about it? Am I buckling under the pressures of my year and half into no contact, having to walk away from the majority of my family and severe disabilities and financial problems combined? What if I am tired of having to be strong?

I Need Something To Look Forward To.
I need something to look forward to. Why can’t I have ONE THING to LOOK FORWARD TO? I have hope in heaven but I need SOME HOPE in this life. I do not think it is wrong to pray to God for some hope in my earthly life too or even just a time of respite. If I was a normal healthy person, I would hit the road right now seriously, go somewhere warm, go find some FUN. Hey I could do this now but it would mean not paying the rent and flirting with homelessness. There must be some reason I keep telling my husband as a joke, or maybe it’s not a joke, “Lets run away!”

All 12 step programs warn about the geographical cure not working but sometimes you just feel trapped. You want an escape from the grind. Some people with jobs may say “Every day is a vacation for you! Shut yer trap!” but everyone needs time away.

Positive Thinkers Prattle On
The positive thinkers would tell me, “you’re not thinking positive enough”, this is why nothing but bad things happen to you. In other words, the whole you are creating your own reality. But the inverse of that is they are just like my narcissists who told me everything bad happening is my fault. Both things are wrong.

I’m sick of thinking everything is my fault. I am sick of being told if I do this, that and this, that the results will ensue. I spent three hours a day on my stupid legs for the last year and half and my bad leg still betrayed me. Why don’t I get good results? I am sick of waiting for the hammer to fall, for the car to break down and the streets awaiting. I need a break.

If you were my life coach, what would you tell me?

Here was my reply:

Peep, I don’t cry easily but this post just did it. I have for most of my life felt exactly the same way–down to just about every detail you talk about here. No, I don’t have your health problems but my whole life I have felt like a failure, a loser, someone with no talents, no skills, painfully shy because I’m aspie, paranoid, feeling like God (who I wasn’t sure I even believed in) was putting me up as a joke, an “example” to others of how not to be. Like you, I looked at other people’s families who actually loved them and gave them the life tools they needed and wondered why mine were so cold and distant and disapproving of me. I was suspicious of everyone’s motives, and always, ALWAYS under the thrall or spell of a malignant narcissist. Sometimes more than one at a time.
I didn’t realize that was the whole problem–that and no perspective. Sometimes you can’t see the forest for the trees.

There are many days (most days) I still feel like a colossal failure, but because of blogging I may have (MAY have) found my purpose. I don’t get paid for it but I have a good feeling about it.

That’s where I think you are headed too, Peep. You are a brilliant, entertaining, heartfelt writer, with one of the best blogs I’ve seen on narcissism. Either that or your art. Your paintings are beautiful and you can write. Perhaps you can write a book on Amazon – it doesn’t cost anything (I don’t think–I have to look more into that) but I think your story would sell. You could even illustrate it with your wonderful “fat lady” paintings. Your life may have been painful but I think there is a purpose for everything–and God gave you this life in order for you to help others, and I think that’s going to be through writing or art, or both.

I don’t know if this would work for you, but I know I want to write a book at some point. I really feel like God is showing me my path that I have searched for all my life, and my difficult past was meant to prepare me to write about it and help others once I helped myself.

I’m not trying to be a know it all, Peep or tell you what to do, but I really think you already know this and are ready to take that next step. Don’t give up on God (not that you are)–we don’t know what his motives or timetable are, and all I can really tell you is there is a plan, you have not suffered this all in vain.

You are fortunate to have a husband who loves you too, one who understands your Aspieness, who is not a narcissist–lean on him for support. That’s a real blessing.

But don’t feel bad or guilty about feeling depressed. It just means you’re human and are reacting the only way you can to all the insanity you have been subjected to. But it WILL get better. Never lose hope or give up. You have helped so many with your blog and your story.

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2 thoughts on “Reblog: “Why is my Life so Rotten?”

  1. Thanks LO for sharing that, I appreciate it greatly. I am sorry you have gone through what I have too. I think the Aspie and Narcissistic parent mixture can be one of the most painful things to deal with. Aspies already face many challenges with social confidence, finding themselves, life skills and many other things that a neurotypical may struggle with under a narcissistic parent, but for us it’s going to be a lot harder. It helps me knowing you have felt the same way, you didn’t have the addition of the health problems like me but these are struggles I’ve had life long. I and my husband sometimes have these conversations where we ask “What happened, and why did the world throw us away?” I sure know my family did even before I walked out the door. I was told I was a loser, and worse, and it felt like everything was so difficult. I know life is hard for everyone, but so many seemed able to find a place, and not to constantly struggle. Before I was a born again Christian, I didn’t think God loved me either, so even had those thoughts for many years.

    Yes I looked at other families and saw the loved people who were included, accepted and cared about and thought “What is wrong with me?”. Even with the disabilities, as I have gotten older, I noticed other Aspies and disabled people even those with severe obesity challenges [I have the lipedema of course] being loved and cared about. I was prone to narcissists too though at least avoided malignants in my romantic relationships. I don’t think you are a failure either but yes, I was told this for many years even when I got through college and had the semi-professional jobs. I am glad blogging has given you a purpose and hope you can keep up with it. It is a great part of my life.

    Thanks for saying the kind things about my art and more. I did try to write a book some years ago when I had my huge weight gain and took it to publishers. I may reconsider another book. I have the comic I’m working on now for fun but have not sold anywhere. Some of the publishers would tell me “Come back when you have lost your weight gain!” Aaargh, the book was against fat discrimination and they didn’t have a clue. With more of a resolution I have another idea but struggling with all this health stuff I hope something can pan out. I even wanted to do another DYI art show but got sidetracked with the health stuff. I do spend 4 hours a day plus on health related things so literally for me it is like having a job to stay alive.

    I hope you can write a book too LO, I would read it. 🙂 You are a great writer as well 🙂

    I won’t give up on God. I hope too there is a reason for what I have gone through, both of us are using what we have gone through to help others and that is a good thing. God bless you Lucky Otter.

    You are right I [and you too] have many people who love and care about you. They may not be our families, but our true family is who loves us. Christians have the family of God as well.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Your family, from what I have read, really do sound like some of the most evil people I’ve ever heard of. Even my family pales in comparison–at least I know my father has love for me, even if he’s on the low end of the narc spectrum and didn’t really know how to be a good dad. I was never close to my extended family (cousins, etc) anyway so at least I didn’t have the added pain of having to go No Contact with them since I was never really in contact with them anyway. Besides, there are distant members of the family (second cousins) who my son has actually made friends with via Facebook. I think that’s great, and my cousins are closer to him and they sound like good people.
      My son told me once he would love more than anything, when he has the money someday (and I have no doubt he will because he’s so determined to succeed and focused) he wants to reunite the family with a big family reunion. It was so sweet of him…but he’s so naive sometimes. I didn’t want to tell him it would never work…and most family members probably wouldn’t even bother attending, even if it was paid for by him.
      Yes, we have our real families in the blogosphere and in our church families. Just because they’re our blood relatives, doesnt mean they are the best people for us to be around.
      I have no doubt, Peep, that you will find your purpose and everything will become clear as to why you had this Job-like existence.. And by the way, being told you were too fat to have a book published about BEING FAT is the most stupid thing I ever heard. WHY WOULD THAT EVEN MATTER?! WTF!

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