Am I that annoying or am I just paranoid?

paranoidmind

There are days I feel like I have to apologize for my existence. Today was one of those days.

The woman I was teamed up with today to clean houses is someone I’m used to working with. We don’t have a whole lot in common, but normally we get along well enough and we work well together. I know what to expect and she doesn’t have to check my work because she knows I know what I’m doing.

She usually drives (because my car is very old and is starting to have transmission problems, which I refuse to worry about right now) which is fine by me, but that also means I’m forced to listen to the music she wants to listen to, which means Christian contemporary music all day, whenever we work together. The music isn’t so bad really, but it can get annoying after a while, when every song played starts to feel like a sermon. Give me some Nirvana, give me some U2, Rolling Stones, or Jimi; hell, even Lady Gaga will do. Or play some damned country. But it ain’t gonna happen, not with her.

Now that it’s the Overhyped Season of Greed and False Cheer again, she’s switched over to one of the pop stations, which plays Christmas music 24/7, starting the day after Thanksgiving. Bleccchhh. While there are a few carols I have nostalgic childhood memories of, as a whole I can’t stand Christmas music. If I hear “Jingle Bell Rock” one more time, I think I’m going to put my head through the dashboard. Especially because she SINGS ALONG to it. That, along with “Little Drummer Boy” are my two least favorite Christmas songs EVER, but for some reason I can’t possibly begin to fathom, they play those two ALL THE TIME. It’s pure torment. Shoot me please.

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So anyway, we get along alright even though we’re never going to be Thelma and Louise together. But today I thought I was getting on her nerves. I have no idea what I did or said, but she wasn’t speaking to me and snapped my head off if I asked her the most innocuous question or even said anything at all. After several hours of this treatment (and being silent right back), I finally couldn’t take it anymore. I had a little hissy fit.

“You haven’t spoken to me all day,” I fired at her. “It’s obvious you’re mad about something. I have no idea what I said to make you act so angry, but whatever it was, I’m sorry.”
I was apologizing for nothing at all really, because as far as I knew, I hadn’t done or said anything wrong, but I just wanted this to be over with. I hate it when people are angry with me, I hate it when I just imagine they are angry with me. Because as an Aspie, I can’t tell the difference.

Still she said nothing. She just harrumphed and kept on working as if I wasn’t there.
I didn’t say another word about it, because I sensed that would annoy her more, but I still felt sulky and wounded so back in the car, I pretended to sleep.
After another hour or so, my work partner suddenly became friendly again. She said she was tired. So that’s all it was, I guess. Another day ruined by my stupid paranoia and hypervigilance.

everyonehatesme

WELL, WHY COULDN’T SHE JUST HAVE SAID SO BEFORE? She KNOWS about my disorder, she KNOWS I can’t read social cues, and she could have at least TOLD me she was tired this morning. That would have prevented hours of interpersonal tension, and my stupid paranoia and babyish hissy fit over nothing could have been avoided. But that’s not how she is.

This sort of thing happens to me so often. If people don’t think I’m stupid, they think I’m annoying. Sometimes they think I’m both. Or at least that’s what I think they think. They probably don’t think that nearly as often as I think they do. But I worry about it.

I have a related problem right now that’s probably just my hypervigilance but I’m not sure, and that uncertainty is what’s driving me crazy.

I have a friend in the narcissistic abuse community, a woman I seem to have a lot in common with. Our backgrounds are so similar it’s downright scary. We started e-mailing each other, but she never replied back to the last email I sent her, which was quite long. It’s been four days and every time I check my inbox, there’s nothing new there from her. After two days of no reply, I sent a friendly reminder asking simply if she got my email. I didn’t want to appear too concerned, but I was.

Another day passed. I emailed her again, asking if she was getting my emails. Maybe they’re going in her spam folder. But that little disapproving, judging voice that lives inside my head and I wish would go away was saying, no, no! It must have been something you said in your last email, something that made her not want to be your friend anymore.

I went back and analyzed my email, trying to pinpoint what it was I must have said to make her avoid me. It could have been anything. Or nothing. I’ve been ruminating over it and worrying myself almost sick over it. Again, why do I care so much? It’s not like I don’t have other friends in this community, other people who read my blog and like what I have to say.

There is probably a perfectly reasonable answer for her silence–maybe she’s been busy, maybe she’s been sick (she does have health issues), maybe she can’t access her email, maybe she’s just lazy about replying to emails (like I can sometimes be). But of course, it’s never the reasonable, mundane, logical explanation I look for; it’s always something terrible and dire, it’s always because of something I did to upset them and make them hate me. It’s always because I’m such an annoying person they want nothing to do with me. My hypervigilance and paranoia is crazymaking and even…well, narcissistic. Why do I torment myself like this? It’s stupid.

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A few people (almost always neurotypicals who don’t get me) have actually told me I’m annoying. No doubt my annoyingness is due to my tendency to interject comments at inappropriate times during my rare pathetic attempts to appear “normal” in social settings–or making some other embarrassing social gaffe due to my high-functioning autism.

I analyze and brood about people’s reactions to me way, WAY too much. I’m hypervigilant and paranoid. Maybe I’m not really coming off as annoying and stupid to others as I believe others think I am. I am my own worst enemy sometimes.

I care too much about what people are thinking about me. But why does it even matter? Are these people I want to be best friends with? Do I really want to attend a backyard barbeque at their McMansion with a bunch of their friends and relatives I have nothing in common with except the fact we’re all of the human species? Would I pay any of these people $100 apiece to like me? NO, I WOULD NOT. So why do I CARE so much what others are thinking about me? Why do I care if they think I’m annoying? Or stupid? Or weird? Or fat? Or ugly? Why do I want to be approved of? AM I A FUCKING NARCISSIST?

Probably not, but I was raised by a family of N’s and as the scapegoat, I WAS NEVER GOOD ENOUGH FOR THEM. I questioned myself and everything I did; it seemed I could do nothing right. I felt awkward and defective even in my own family. My parents were bullies, especially my mother. Later I was bullied at school too, especially in the 3rd – 5th grades. I remember during 4th grade, I was followed home every day by a group of kids who laughed and jeered at the way I walked and imitated my walk, as my tears welled and threatened to overflow (no wonder I hate mimes). The bullies would call out to me and sometimes even throw things to get my attention, but I wouldn’t turn around. I just kept on walking. I knew I couldn’t let them see me cry because that would make everything so much worse.

My third grade teacher, Mrs. Morse, was a psychopath with arms like Jello who always wore sleeveless dresses, so whenever she wrote on the board, all that quivering, pale freckled flab hanging from her bare arm made me want to throw up, but I still couldn’t take my eyes off it. It was mesmerizing in a horrible way, like a car accident.

Mrs. Morse knew how sensitive and scared of everything I was. She knew I was bullied by most of the other kids. But she had no empathy for my plight. She was a sadistic bitch from hell. She deliberately called on me whenever I was daydreaming, which was often (no kids got diagnosed with Aspergers back in those days) and always made me stand in the front of the room and answer a question or solve a math problem. She never did this to the other kids, who were allowed to answer from their seat.

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One time I couldn’t solve the math problem on the board (which was my worst subject), and she berated and belittled me in front of the class.
“You never pay attention. You’re always daydreaming. Do you have a mental problem?”
The class laughed.
My tongue was in knots and I felt the blood drain from my face. I felt tears burning the backs of my eyelids like acid.
I swallowed hard and tried with all my might not to let a tear loose but they started to flow anyway. I hung my head in shame and rubbed away the tears with my grubby fists as I turned away toward the wall. My narrow back and bony shoulders heaved with silent sobs.
That was exactly the moment this sadistic malignant narcissist who passed for a teacher was waiting for.
“Look everyone! Lauren is crying! Look at the tears! Cry, cry, cry, baby.”
The class burst into screams and hoots of laughter.
“Cry, baby, cry!”
I stood there in front of the class, staring at the floor, snot mingling with my tears, and longed to melt into those scuffed green-gray linoleum tiles, and never return.
In today’s anti-bullying environment, this “teacher” would have been fired for that shit. She might have even lost her teaching license. That kind of thing isn’t put up with anymore.

Not too many years after this, I stopped being able to cry. I stopped being able to talk to people. I stopped being able to feel much of anything.

I still worry that people won’t like me, even though I’ve learned to hide my sensitivity pretty well. Too well, in fact. It’s hard for me to show my true feelings, but lately I’ve been opening up, getting better at it. I need to start feeling confident enough in myself, that other people’s opinions of me won’t make or break my day.

dontlikeme

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37 thoughts on “Am I that annoying or am I just paranoid?

  1. That paranoia about how people feel about you isn’t narcissism, it’s hyper-vigilance based on past experiences. There’s a saying that goes, “you’re never quite as important as you think you are.” Kind of a blow to the pride there, but it helped me to realize that it’s not all about me, all the time. Other people have their own jerky moments, too. Our first instinct is to usually blame ourselves, but chances are pretty good it isn’t us at all.

    You also need my sticker that says,” I’m an acquired taste. Don’t like me? Acquire some taste.” 😉

    Liked by 3 people

    • LOLOLOL!!! I love that sticker idea!

      Yeah… I know it’s just hypervigilance, but a few people have told me I’m a narcissist because I always obsess about what other people are thinking about me. So then I wonder if it’s true.

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      • This kind of trauma-induced response -hypervigilance – is engineered by one’s Normal (self-styled) masters with the goal of creating dutiful and attentive slaves.

        ABA – aka ‘how to be an obedient lesser being’ is instinctually comprehended by the Bulk of Normdom; and regardless of its precise implementation, the end results of such abuse are similar.

        The well-trained slave will be attentive to his master or mistress, and will put the pleasure of said master ahead of his or her well-being.

        Yes, I ***am*** saying that Normdom knows precisely what it is (unconsciously) doing, and this is Normdom’s exact (unconscious) goal; and all Normdom knows of its each and every individual place – knows its place, and keeps that place – in the great chain of being.

        We autists are – like India’s dalits (untouchables) – simply not part of Normdom’s (instinctual) caste structure – and we are trained (brutally) to act our accursed portion (which is to make Normdom in its varied castes feel good about being Normal).

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  2. I feel for that little girl that was you. I can identify in some aspects. Sharing that stuff is one road to health, I think.

    I also think that none of us relish the things that are out of our control, whether someone responds to us, or writes to us, or subjects us to things we don’t care for. I live that out too (I want to be in control of my surroundings and I’m so often in situations where I am NOT, because that is LIFE) and the only thing I’ve found that really calms me us knowing who is really in control, not me, but God, and that I can learn something about myself from every one of these situations, no matter how frustrating or painful the experience might be at the time.

    It also helps me to know and understand that God loves me “warts an’ all”, and the best is when He lets me know that in so many different ways. We all seek to be loved and I’ve found an answer to that need in Him.

    Now I hope I haven’t talked about that too much and caused even more angst, when I want to express empathy, but I also wanted to share that God is my refuge and my strength in my times of uncertainty and doubt, when I am feeling

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      • If you’re familiar with my blog, I have quite a few articles on the spiritual journey I’ve been on, and my faith in God is increasing by leaps and bounds . I still have some skepticism and doubt (because trust is so hard for me), but I’m getting there.

        The first step was going No Contact with my ex a year ago. After a few months of adjusting to my newfound independence, one day I decided to start a blog. It’s original intention was just to be a sort of online diary or journal to work things out in my mind, since I can’t afford therapy, and to my shock and delight, this blog has become so much more than just self therapy. It’s led me into a whole new world, filled with people who had experiences similar to mine and suffer the same kinds of problems . I don’t feel so alone anymore. In the process of blogging, I’m starting to develop a relationship to God too, and know that no matter what, he has my back, always.

        I find the Serenity Prayer a great help too–God grant me to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. It does help.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. I get the same way myself. I think it is just lack of confidence.

    In reality we cannot ever tell what is going on in some else’s mind. Sometimes we think we do, but our perception can always be distorted by our own insecurities.

    There can be a million things going on in their mind that we have no clue about. Instead of shrugging it off like most normal people, our anxious insecure mind takes over.

    Of course we annoy everyone. Growing up we annoyed our families. So if our family had such a hard time tolerating us, how can we expect anyone else?

    I have plagued my self with that less than worthy perception as long as I can remember. I usually never confront the person, I just suffer silently always thinking that it was me.

    And when I do find out what has happened, it has never been me that caused the negative behavior.

    Yet I still cannot let that feeling go.

    Liked by 1 person

    • It’s crazy what we do to ourselves, isn’t it? It’s all just ghosts from the past, old tapes that keep playing in our minds that we can’t find the “Off” switch for. I’ve internalized so much of what my family thought of me and my peers when I was just a kid…and assume that nothing has changed. But I have changed, and all that crazy talk in our heads are nothing more than the old tapes–tapes which say more about the sick and twisted people who raised us than about who we actually are.

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  4. I do a lot of reading about human nature because I was raised by an engulfing narcissistic mother. No learned social skills. Well anyway, there is this thing that people are not thinking about us as much as we think they are, probably never about us. Also people do things for their own reasons, never for our reasons. It’s probably like a million to one we can actually get what their thinking.

    I know that’s logical thinking, kinda hard to accept it. But I’ve been learning to.

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  5. I just think it is so hard to let go of all the past trauma and start to trust again.

    Most of the time, I know, it is just my paranoid perception. Maybe a protection mode.

    I try to remind myself what Martha Graham once wrote.
    “What other people think of you is none of your business.”

    So true.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I have heard that saying before. It’s good advice too. We have no control over what others think, and no right to what they think either. Focus on yourself and what you think of yourself because that’s all that really matters

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  6. Being an Aspie I understand being scared. I wasn’t ignoring you. I do apologize though :(. I had my husband get very sick where I had to help him and then I got very sick 2 or 3 days ago. I already had been having extreme fatigue issues before hand. High fevers, flu from hell. I was worried about being in the hospital yesterday though I am stable now but worried about bronchitis. I don’t know why things are going so bad for us, lately, just constant never seems to end. I had husband pay me attention lovingly which helped and he has gotten me medicines. It is good thing he got better in time to help me.

    I have the Aspie hypervigilance thing too and I can offend people and not mean to. I feel like I am failing a bunch of friends now from fatigue and lack of money. I even forgot a friends birthday and have blown off some friends very badly including one of my best friends I have not talked to in over a week. Like you I worry everyone hates me and have this thing where I worry about it too. In my case, I will always pop back up. If I get very sick, I will have husband write on my blog if I am in hospital or something worse happened.

    I feel like human relationships are hard. I feel like the narcs set me up to always feeling like I have to walk on eggshells and this probably happened to you too. Don’t worry I am not upset. I am kind of scared of how tired and fatigued I am. I know I will have to see the doctor again soon. I have so many medical things happening. Sorry I made you feel hurt and ignored, I did not mean it, it was a very exceptional week with both of us being so ill. My husband is my caretaker so it was kind of frightening when he is down for the count. Our apt is so trashed. Even today I am looking at it thinking OMG how am I going to get all this crap done. LOL

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    • I knew you’d knew it was you I was talking about, lol! I also figured (after reading your blog post about the health issues you and your husband are having) that it definitely had something to do with that. I should learn by now that 90% of the time my hypervigilance is just my own imagination and nothing more.

      I replied to your emails btw. Thank you. 🙂 I hope you and your husband are feeling better, and I understand feeling too tired to write. My prayers are with you and your husband. This time of year is so hard for us.

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    • I’m following your blog now–haven’t had a chance to read anything on it yet but I will. I’m really glad you’re enjoying mine. It’s good to find like minded people and I have found a lot in the narcissistic abuse community. I always used to feel like such an oddball (and still do in the real world most of the time)

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  7. Hi I could relate to a lot you wrote. I have learned to stopped caring what people think and I often think I am paranoid and I know how upsetting it gets when someone stops responding to your emails, I stop sending them after one or two when they haven’t responded to any of them because I don’t want to harass them or come off as creepy and wrong. I have scared off lot of people and I always assume I did something wrong and I am too afraid to make friends again. In real life I don’t really talk to people or try and reach out so I keep to myself. I never had a narcissistic family so I can’t relate but I am still enjoying this blog.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I’m he same way as you. If I sense someone doesn’t want to be bothered, I stop bothering them. I can read social cues well enough to know if someone wants to back off.
      I’m introverted too and don’t reach out to people much irl. I do most of that online. I prefer it. IRL I prefer to be alone most of the time.
      I’m glad you’re enjoying this blog. 🙂

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  8. The autist – regardless of presentation – needs to be trained into his or her *slave* status. Speaking from my own experience, when I was younger, I was *not* paranoid about irritating or angering Normies.

    I constantly worry about *being hated* now – about *not being a good ‘lesser being’*.

    The reality is that most Norms have their preconceived notions, and I cannot change those – because they are not learned, but ***innate*** / instinctual. Those preconceived ‘filters’ – that supposed ***theory-of-mind*** that I don’t have, and they do (grrr) causes them to do the following:

    1) constantly “dance around the campfire of a subtle complicated *game* of power.”. This means that they are continually looking for *prey* with the goal of status-increasing predation.

    Another way of saying this is ‘Normal Narcissisim’ is qualitatively similar to the pathological variety; it’s simply less consistent, less intense, and more selective in who it targets.

    2) Norms are always engaged in ‘magical thinking’ on the unconscious level – hence it’s impossible to reason or teach most of them ***unless*** you have RANK on them.

    The reason RANK is needed to be heard is that Magic(k) is ultimately ‘

    Liked by 1 person

    • Your theory about “normal narcissism” being a more selective and less intense form of pathological narcissism is interesting. Yes, I’ve seen neurotypicals who are not *narcs* act this way, around certain people — the ones they look down on, who are different in some way, or not neurotypical like they are.
      I don’t think being neurotypical is pathological though–it’s just alien to those of us who are not. On the other hand, I think it’s time that Aspieness is regarded as a variety or alternative lifestyle or way of being, rather than a disorder. Just because we don’t fit in well in neurotypical situations or with other NT’s doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with US. We are just different.

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      • Being ‘Normal’ is not a disorder; however, it IS what it is; and it is a ***rare*** Normies who sees his or her ‘true and inward nature’ and then says “it is wrong to be so. This is evil. I must not act this way.”

        Most autists are trained to think and do so, irrespective of their status re diagnosis. (I endured nearly fifty years of ‘forcible anti-instinct training before being diagnosed as being autistic – and I’ve been paying the price since birth.

        It used to be the work of the Gospel to tell people that their instinct-driven ways were the acme of evil, e.g “do not lie…”

        Social reality says “it is wrong to not lie; more, the more and bigger ones lies, the better. There is nothing pathological about ‘pathological lying’ – save perhaps those spoilsports who speak ill of it”

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  9. continued from previous…

    Magic(k) is about making the will of the practitioner supersede the current reality – which means the practice of magic – its thinking, and its behavior – is all about ‘dominance, power, and control’; and, rank signifies higher levels of power through higher levels of initiation.

    Note: autists are *not* wired to do magic. This is what makes them pariahs. It also makes them value truth over power – and, should God get through to them – it causes them to (most likely) be the only true worshipers God has (because they’re not trying to manipulate God as if they were magicians and God a fetish!)

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    • Magic? I never thought about bending the will of others being magic, but yes, very charismatic NT’s and charismatic narcs do seem to have a way of putting a spell on others and getting them to do their bidding against their will. So I can see why you might use the word magic to describe that.

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  10. It’s not magic in that Normdom is acting (overtly or covertly) like a pack of (fictional) witches – or even like adherents of Gardner, Crowley, et al.

    It is magic in that the understanding most Normal people have regarding life as a whole is 1) mostly innate; 2) mostly unconscious; and 3) shot through with issues like ‘the law of contagion, the law of similarity, the law of attraction, etc.

    In short, most people’s understanding of life reads as if it came out of a grimoire; and, the goal of the serious magician (doing, for example, hermeticism) is to cause the whole of reality to become an instantiation of his/her ***will***.

    Therefore, all magic amounts to methods of achieving an absolute state of ‘dominance, power and control’ over all life, such that the practitioner becomes ‘priest, king and god’ (like the emperors of ancient Rome) and all other beings become his or her narcissistic extensions.

    In this way, all Norms are latent narcissists, in that they have the capacity

    Liked by 1 person

    • I’ve sometime wondered if NT’s (neurotypicals) are actually narcissists. Because their behavior is so incomprehensible to someone like us and they can often seem so shallow and self serving. I don’t think they really all are, but it does seem that way at times, yes.

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  11. continued from previous.

    have the capacity to think and behave as if they have full-blwn NPD (acquired situational narcissism, when it’s consistent; the usual power-games when it’s selective) and, ultimately, the capacity to act (selectively) like diagnosable ***psychopaths*** when the power differential is large enough (holocaust; caste atrocities in modern India)

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  12. Missed! Try this again.

    When speaking of what is really happening ‘under the hood’ with most Norms, one needs to disregard ***everything*** that’s even remotely rational, and think like an ancient Chaldean (cf. Ur od the Chaldeans, Genesis)

    Before there was science, there was religion; before religion, there was magic; before all of these, and underlying everything, there is, was, and will be Instinct.

    Advertising pays people like Clotairre Rapaile a ***lot*** of money to utter obvious matters like “the reptile always wins,” i.e. people don’t think.

    No, they buy suvs because instinct says *dominance is gooooodddd*, and hence fetishes (think african witch-doctors) that signify power are what they buy.

    Human nature / insinct hasn’t changed much in millennia – and hence people act by instinct; they strive ceaselessly to become God; and, because instinct’s thinking is *magical thinking*, the ultimate way to power is to be a *magician* and do magic (social gamesmanship / con artistry / 48 laws of power / NPD, etc)

    Finally, this is why preds are *worshipped* by society – the magicians of old were essentially ***preds***, and their personality-disordered thinking and behavior was the sign of a powerful magician / shaman / witch-doctor / CEO.

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  13. Pingback: Empaths and narcissists « Mirrorgirl

  14. Addendum re magic(k):

    The study of magic(k) is essentially “learning the rules of a system so as to more effectively ***game*** that system – with the ultimate goal of controlling in toto that same system.”

    That kind of total control *used* to be ascribed (long ago) to deities, (think, uh Jupiter / Zeus / Odin, etc). Hence the ‘god’ part of ‘Priest, King and God’.

    Since the locus of this power is among us ‘lesser beings’, it must be a king; for who but an abolute monarch can cause us all to ‘dance like marionettes’ to HIS ‘symphony of destruction?

    And finally, since existence *only* seems to listen to him (due to gaslighting, effectual stage-management, and the *freedom* to act that comes when one has no conscience), our pred is seen as a go-between between nature and humanity – which makes hime a priest.

    This is another reason why the acme of social predators is worshipped ~ imitated, followed, obeyed without limits or questioned, seen as the righteous standard for all things…

    Ugh!

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